How my new haircut from Joseph's killed my cat

Dear Management,

Please let me steal your life savings

When I stepped into your salon last Saturday, little did I know that my new haircut would cause the death of my poor cat, little Mittens.
I am writing to you to make sure that Josephs knows that her death is a direct result of the `service` you provide.

Both PETA and the organisation “Convicts 4 Kittenz” will be CC’ed on this letter.

As mentioned before, last Saturday I was forced to get a new haircut. This was clearly not my choice because I was in the middle of playing videogames and being an awesome manchild. However, since I was planning on getting drunk later that night, I figured it might come in useful or at least prevent me from getting stuck in an oak tree and getting stabbed in the heart with three javelins. ( 2 Samuel 18:9 – 18:14).

Now, when I am in need of a haircut, I go to any random hairsalon and see if they have a seat. Usually they do, but if they say “No sir, you would have to make an appointment and see us again in 249 hours” then I go somewhere else. Either way, where ever I end up, it is usually a very pleasant experience with rainbows and strawberry flavoured scissors. My favourite part is where I get the washing massage,  ecause I pretend to be a Roman Emperor who is getting serviced by one of his many enslaved servants. It must be that Toga thing that you insist I wear. So, basically, you make me feel like a tyrant, and I like it.

Now, because I like to live on the edge, I put off getting my hair cut to almost literally the very last minute. With only 3 hours left until the engagement party I was planning to attend, I finally managed to put down my PS3 controller and drag myself to my cellphone to call and make an appointment.
I ended up calling your shop in the St Laurent shopping Mall and after speaking to a  girl who didn’t really know a lot, we finally came to the conclusion that there was in fact, no spot for me to get my haircut on such “short notice”. I was slightly offended  by her choice of words, since my dwarfism is not something to joke about.  My lawyer says I shouldn’t make a Big deal out of it though.
After some yelling and crying, I managed to get some useful information out of the girl though, she told me there is another shop at the Rideau Center, which was conveniently close to the party I was to attend later on, so that would give me at least another 20 minutes of videogame time,..or a shower, I’m not sure which one I picked.
Either way, I somehow managed to make it to my appointment in time.

Now, from the outside, your salon looks like any other hairsalon out there and this is probably a well planned part of the horrible scheme you are running. Obnoxious music, over the top advertisement and hairproducts that are no doubt made from the souls of orphaned baby seals.

Now, I actually had to wait for 7 minutes and I can tell you, those were most likely the most dreadful 7 minutes of my day. Although I am willing to blame you personally for this, unfortunately, it is an industry wide abomination. But since we are communicating anyway, perhaps you can explain it to me.

Why does EVERY hair salon in the Galaxy only have girl magazines in their waiting area?  I’ll summarize for you why this is a stupid decision and will eventually lead to harm of innocent bystanders.

1.       There are men who are being forced to get their hair cut

2.       You provide this service

3.       Men will eventually show up at your shop

4.       Keeping a time table is not your forte

5.       Men are forced to wait

6.       There are only excruciatingly boring girl magazines in the waiting area

7.       Men get bored

8.       Men are surrounded by sharp object e.g. scissors & razor blades

9.       Target Practice in case the Zombie Apocalypse comes

10.     Harm to innocent bystanders

Maybe you can bring this up at the next world wide Hairsalon owners meeting.

 Now, what you do not realize is that you made me relapse into my Angry Birds Addiction and I was doing so well for the last 3 days. I will have to bring this up at my next ABAA meeting and yes, I I will point fingers in your direction. (Just in case, i will point all 10 fingers, because i once heard that if you point 1 finger at something, 3 will point back at yourself and i think it is clear that i am a victim in this and not an aggressor).

When I was finally picked up by one of your servants, (Did you know that in ancient Rome, most hairsalons were entirely run by Slaves? Maybe that is where the Toga’s come from) she put me down in a chair and immediately started to ask me questions as if she didn’t know how to do her job. Sorry, I didn’t know I needed a degree into hair cutting just to communicate that my hair needs to look good again. Her mood immediately changed into “Axe Murderer” and this was slightly unnerving since she is in control of all the sharp pointy tools on her work bench.
She took out this build up aggression by doing a thorough razorjob on my 7^th degree sunburned neck,  inflicting so much damage that I will most likely have to have it amputated.
Now, because I fear retaliated from “Axe Murderer” for the sake of my safety, I’ll say that the final result of my haircut was appealing.

What was not appealing was the realization that this whole ordeal was simply a scam to make me poor. At the cashier, I was asked to pay a lump sum of $50 for my haircut. Let me spell this out for you, because that is what the lady at the cash had to do for me as well.

F-i-f-t-y – D-o-l-l-a-r.

For a men’s haircut...

This haircut took less than 20 minutes to apply to my head. In case you are not a mathematician, that comes down to $150 dollar an hour for the service you provide.
For a men's haircut.

In case you are blatantly missing my point here, here is a list of other things that cost approx $150 dollar an hour.

* Having Tea with the Queen of England
* Getting a Dragon Tattoo in the FACE
* Racing a Ferrari
* Flying a Helicopter
* Roaming services from Bell Canada

Unfortunatley, you trained your servants well to be completely void of remorse of this scam you are running and since I couldn’t give my hair back, I was forced to make this payment. I know I should have ran home and cry, but to add insult to injury I was able to hear what you charged the woman behind me for HER haircut.

This haircut however, took approximately an hour and a half and involved all kinds of technology.
She was charged $50 dollar as well!

I am curious to know how this system works! Do you charge for time, resources or just a flat service? It is obviously not time, since according to the afore mentioned math, this lady should have paid $225 dollar for her haircut. It doesn’t make sense.

Since I consider myself an expert in getting my haircut and have a lot of experience in this, I will share the following graph with you. It shows you the pricing of haircuts over the last 29 years of men haircuts vs women haircuts.




Only the end of the world can stop outrageous pricing

 

The math doesn’t lie sir.


So, I ended up paying, spending at LEAST $30 dollars more than anticipated, leaving me with not enough money to buy cat food.
When I came back from work yesterday afternoon, I found my cat behind the couch in a mummified state, she died of hunger.
This obviously wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t overcharge for men haircuts.

Poor Mittens

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

-Dave Stevens