Twitter killed my #Mittens

In Soviet Twitter, Bird kills Cat

Dear Twitter support,

I have been a user of your service for a while now and I have to admit it has been a pretty wild ride.
However, what I never expected when I signed up was that the service you provide would ultimately mean the early demise of my poor little kitten, Mittens.

Here is what happened:

In December 2010 I was fighting a young girl to the death in front of a 20.000 people audience.
The guest of honor was Emperor Augustus himself, so we were told to make it a real show or else our entrails would be fed to a pack of hungry and slightly overweight Honey Badgers.
Since i am a highly trained assassin and overall fucking awesome, I didn’t worry about losing the fight itself, but the thought of being disemboweled because the show wasn’t fancy enough, was creeping around in the back of my mind during the entire fight.
So, after I had this 3 foot Lebanese schoolgirl in the ropes, I slightly let my guard down and she took full advantage of my lethal mistake.
With a High-Octane, Super Ultra, Possibly outlawed Scissor Ninja Kick, she took me down and a loud POP echoed through the Arena. I had no idea the ripping of a ligament was that acoustic but I can’t say I was enjoying the special sound effects, since I was too busy dying. Actually, I am pretty sure that move killed the next 57 reincarnations of myself as well.

This is pretty much what happened

Of course, I was up on my feet 20 seconds later as if nothing happened, and luckily for us, we got the thumbs-up from the Emperor and nobody had to die that day. Except for some starving Honey Badgers.

Since not having a functional ACL anymore is slightly inconvenient for an Olympic Athlete as myself I decided to get it fixed. However, ligaments in my size and awesomeness don’t come around easily so I had to pay off The Joker to go ahead and kill The Batman. Luckily for me, Batman is a donor and I wouldn’t settle for any other ligament than his.
Unfortunately, The Joker had to come up with some long winded elaborate plan, so it took about 6 months before I could actually get my surgery.
I had to spend these 6 months saving the world over and over again with a slight limp, which was not good for my reputations. I heard rumors that the “Intergalactic League of AWESOME Super Heroes” have a running joke now about me going limp in the heat of the moment.

So I had this surgery last month, which involved having to channel the power of the sun into a laser just to be able to breach my skin, but I will not bother you with other medical details.

When I woke up from my induced coma 14 years later, I was a little sore and decided to lay low on World Saving for a while. My ADD immediately kicked in and I was bored to tears within a few minutes.
That is when I fired up…The Internets.

I clicked around a little, found a few more security leaks in the Sony Network, debunked some Legends and send Chuck Norris a few dirty jokes by e-mail.

 
When I checked my watch I noticed that I’ve only been an Internet Hero for 5 minutes and it was starting to look like a very long day. Around this time President Obama send me an e-mail and asked if I could please follow him on Twitter. I never heard of this “Twitter” before, so I wrongfully assumed that he was talking about some Top Secret Government Program. However, a simple Google search lead me to your website.
It needs no explanation that I immediately became an expert on all that is Twitter so it didn’t take long before I came across the account of a young girl with 10 million followers. I saw that she was a Canadian Singer called Jessica Bieber or something and I vowed to myself that I would not be out-followed by some Nancy without boobs.

Boobless Nancy Bieber

 I demanded from the Internet to immediately start following my account @FelineMurder but I guess everyone in the world forgot to put their speakers on or something, because I got 0 followers in the following 15 seconds.

So, I had to come up with an Evil Scheme!
If I couldn’t make people follow ME, I could always follow THEM!
It was relatively easy, because all I had to do was locate the few people who weren’t following this Jessica Bieber chick. I clicked and I clicked and had all kinds of fun to see random thoughts popping up on my screen.
It felt like that time when Professor Xavier and me went into Cerebro with a bottle of rum and just put everyone’s thoughts on loudspeaker. Pretty hilarious!

After years of depression,  I finally felt happy again until of a sudden I got a pinkish bar on top of my screen saying.

Your account has been suspended.

My first thought was,…maybe there is such a thing as being too Awesome and Twitter is just trying to protect its users from Awesome Radiation.
But your e-mail explained to me, that I was being banned for Aggressive following.
According to you, following people on Twitter can be seen as disruptive behavior on Twitter.
Now, maybe it is because English is not my native language, so perhaps you can explain it to me in Kryptonian.
Your service allows people to follow other people and read what they write, however, if you are actually READING their stuff, there is a CHANCE that people get offended by this?
Because that makes no sense at all.
It would be the equivalent of a public speaker getting upset that people are coming to LISTEN to him.
(Assholes)

Now, I understand that maybe I shouldn’t have introduced myself in person to every single one of them,
(One can only jump out of a cake so many times before he gets diabetes) but I do think your banning protocol is borderline retarded and above all Lethal to felines.

Besides causing extreme boredom to a critically injured man like me, you also caused the Death of my poor little kitten, Mittens.
Mittens has a severe cause of attention disorder and I had to build a futuristic machine for her to be able to live.
This life support system was solely based on Twitter and it had been keeping her alive for weeks.
The basics of this brilliant invention was that every time someone would mention @Felinemurder on Twitter, Little Mittens would get a drop of pure liquid attention, a much needed fluid for her horrible horrible disorder.
Now, by banning me from your service, my machine malfunctioned and my poor little Mittens shriveled up like a raisin.

All Mittens needed was some attention...and salsa

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

        -  Dave Stevens