I am writing to you to inform you of the death of my poor little cat Mittens. Her untimely death, was a direct result of your lack of customer support, or better, the complete disregard of the Geneva Convention.
The reason I wasn’t able to write to you sooner, was because I found myself in a High Speed Internet induced stupor, made available by your competitor, Rogers. The Internet is so awesome, I couldn’t be bothered to contact your Victim Service earlier, simply because it is the mental equivalent of running headfirst into a concrete wall with sharp stuff glued unto it.
I am fully aware that only action Bell will take after reading this e-mail, is to print it out and fold a hat out of it.
In that case, please make it a Pirate hat, because Pirates are neat-o.
Here is what happened:
Last October I won a house in an illegal Chinese Casino. It was a close call, but I made it on the River. (AAAKJ) My girlfriend was very relieved because she didn’t feel like working off my debt sewing soccer balls for the next 25 months. Now, to me, a house is merely a place where I can play videogames and not get cold, so it was useless to me until I got an Internet Connection. The choice of Service Providers was a little overwhelming, so I flipped a coin and it landed on Bell. Please note, that I have since melted this coin and reshaped it into a monkey for being such an idiot.
Since I haven’t been defiled by your business ethics before, I went to one of your stores, thinking; “This is gonna be sweet, I’ll have The Internet soon!” Little did I know that every store employee are actually Demons from the Seventh Circle of Hell, dressed up like Perky Consultants. They sure had me fooled!
One of the employees that sunk her claws in me the quickest was “Lydio” (I have scrambled her name a little, so the wench cannot come after me). She was all friendly and nice, and getting me on the Internet was apparently her life calling! However, I somehow DARED to deviate from her stupid little script and that is when all hell broke loose. The matter at hand was, my new Chinese House was not in my name yet. I wasn’t able to move in for another 6 weeks, so I had to order the Internet…in ADVANCE!
This was a little bit too much to handle for Lydio and she had to call the head office, insuring me, it wasn’t going to be a problem. Now, I am not sure if she actually called the head office, because there was a lot of screaming and awkward silences. Maybe you should train your Banshees at the main office to learn the difference between regular victims and your own minions.
Buttons were pushed and forms were filled in when Lydio informed me of the following:
Yeah, we THINK your order is put in, but it doesn’t show in the system, but if you come back another time, we can check if it went through overnight. This made complete sense to me, because everybody knows computers are generally slackers and leave shit on their desk for the next day.
I asked if it didn’t work, if I could still be eligible for the discount that Bell was offering and would expire the next day. I was guaranteed I would be and Lydio even made a note of it on a random piece of paper she found laying around somewhere. I went home thinking “Wow, those Bell guys really know how to run shop”.
I spend the next few days working on the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, so time flew by really fast. (One of the perks of Time Travel I guess). I walked back into the Bell Store and asked for Lydio.
She was in hiding…
Now, when I told the overly blonde clerk that Lydio had all my forms filled in and that the only thing she needed to do was to check in the computer if my order went through, her brain short circuited and all she could tell me was “You’ll have to ask Lydio”.
Of course ,one of my favorite things to do is to take a detour after work and walk into your store to answer rhetorical questions from your employees, so I had no trouble waiting another few days for Lydio to return.
I finally managed to trick Lydio to show herself by calling her name three times in a mirror at midnight and I was ready to hear her story.
She didn’t recognize me…
She also was unable to find my name in the system or find her own handwritten note in her “Office”.
The only option she had for me, was to restart the whole process, but without the discount, because that had expired. I think she got a little offended when I asked if she could somehow get me a discount anyway. Little did I know only the Dungeon Master of Bell has that authority, and he is way too busy slaughtering Unicorns.
I politely told Lydio that I was no longer interested in her services and I would look elsewhere to get myself an Internet Connection. Walking back to the car, I secretly hoped she would trip on her way out and accidentally swallow a cactus.
Since I can only endure so much stupidity a month, I decided to hold back on my Internet until I actually took ownership of my new Chinese House. I also needed to recuperate and planned a Holiday to The Motherland.
Finally the house was mine and I was getting prepared for a good relaxing trip home. Images of Lydio were starting to fade and I was content stealing WiFi from my neighbor for the time being. On one of my last days of work, I receive a phone call from Bell that their Mechanic is at my house to install the modem and I had 10 minutes to show up or I would have to pay a fee.
Now let me recap that for you:
• I order the Internet
• My order gets lost
• Lydio is an Idiot
• I have to pay a fee
Now, before you go “Yes, that makes complete sense, what is your problem?” Please try to at least IMAGINE having a shred of logic in your entire being.
Knowing that there would be no way in Hell I could convince you that this fee would be unjustified I called my father in law to come to my house and let the mechanic in. He fortunately got there in time and installed the Modem. However, the signal wasn’t satisfying, so the mechanic had to “do something” in the “thingy” and promised to be back in 5 minutes, leaving my father in law alone in an empty house.
What you probably don’t realize is that the town I live in has one of the densest populations of Ninjas in Canada. A 60 year old man, by himself in an empty house in a town full of Ninjas is like throwing a crying baby into a nest of drunk Wolverines. (I’m not talking the animals, I’m talking X-men). The poor guy had to fight off hordes of Shadow Assassins with nothing more than a coat hanger and a roll of biscuits…FOR TWO HOURS!
Your mechanic never came back.
Now if your mechanic was also attacked by Ninjas and didn’t make it, he is hereby forgiven, but since I am sure your company has close ties to the Underworld they were probably in on the whole ordeal. When I came home later that night (stepping over piles of Dead Ninjas) I found a modem that seemed to be working. This came as a complete surprise, because at this point I expected that even your hardware would be corrupt. Turning on my computer, it asked me for a Bell Password, that the Mechanic was supposed to leave behind. Now, here are the options of what could possibly have happened:
A: The Mechanic did his job and I finally got to enjoy the Internet
B: No password anywhere and the Service Desk closed 5 minutes ago
C: Me turning into a Supernova of all consuming RAGE!
D: Both B & C are true
First thing in the morning, I call the service desk and ask for my password.
My name is not on file… I should go to the store.
I go to the store and I am met with disbelieve that I somehow managed to get my hands on a working modem. However, getting a password still appears to be quite the feat. Lydio isn’t in that day, but she will call me the next day. Using a phone is too hard for your store minions so I take another detour to the store.
The store is filled with either unknowing victims or people who are looking to devour Lydio’s soul as well.
Having to wait, I move over to the complimentary internet booth to look at pictures of kittens and puppies to get sooth the pure rage pumping through my veins. This is when one of the other Chupacabras in a Bell Uniform turns to me and informs me that the Internet Booth is for Customers Only.
I couldn't suppress a twitch as that comment completely severs the left hemisphere of my brain from the right.
Had I been overexposed to Gamma Radiation as a child, Ottawa would have been in the papers the next day, trying to cope with what happened to the City.
Fortunately, I am a gentleman (and a scholar) and I explain that I have been trying for the last 6 weeks to become a customer, but that the Rabid Bell Baboons are unable to perform the simplest of tasks.
She told me I would have to talk to Lydio…
I walked out of the store to go and swim in the river to cool myself down a little bit (We are in January) and I would call again in the morning.
This time, I got to talk to Lydio right away and she told me that “There is nothing we can do for you in the store, you have to call the Head Office”. At this point I started drooling a little bit and have to wear a helmet ever since. I also created a strong craving for eating applesauce out of a jar.
Being no longer able to deal with this myself anymore, I decided to try one more thing and have someone else talk some sense into Lydio. I watch from the food court how my liaison walks into The Fiery Pits of Bell and wait for his return.
He comes back smiling…
“Lydio asked if you could stop harassing her with phone calls and visits”…
Lydio was lucky that day that the only projectile I had access to in my direct vicinity was my Hamburger and it happened to be too delicious to waste or she would be picking pickles out of her nostrils for a week.
Lydio was lucky that day that the only projectile I had access to in my direct vicinity was my Hamburger and it happened to be too delicious to waste or she would be picking pickles out of her nostrils for a week.
Now I realize that the act of me coming to the Store begging for her to take my money for her service, probably brought her back to the days she was working the pole to support her crack cocaine habit, but let’s be honest, how hard does one have to try to give you guys money?
I walked over to the Rogers Store, ordered the Internet and it was working the next day. And that is exactly why my cat died.
Rogers Internet works so well, that I streamed a scary movie to my Playstation. During one scary scene I got startled so bad to I kicked my Super Strong Bionic leg out at the exact moment my cat walked by. She went straight through the wall.
If you would have just allowed me to use your shitty service, a whole chain of events would have turned out completely different and my cat would not be there at that exact time.
Not only are you responsible for my poor little mittens, but now I also have a cat shaped hole in my drywall.
As you can imagine, I am not amused
-Dave Stevens
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