 |
| YOU SHALL NOT PASS! |
Dear customer service,
When looking for a contact form on your website, i came across your Secret Weapon which i have named Bertha the Discouraging Bear Lady. Her whole body language sends out a message of "HA! you thought you we're going to get service, but guess what SIR!, i am the Gatekeeper here and i will prevent you from sending mean e-mails by standing here with my arms crossed!" I find this very intimidating and emasculating.
Besides being able to strike fear in me, the customer, she also seems to have magical powers that prevent me to navigate from the FAQ site to the FEEDBACK button.
Whenever i click that link, Bertha the Discouraging Bear Lady bitchslaps me straight back to the FAQ site and smiles at me as if nothing happened. After being slapped around like this for 29 times, i have given up and had to browse the Internet to find alternative contact information. During my search, i came across the several websites that have inflicted severe harm to my retinas. One of them was rather pleasant though, it had an Otter on it and he looked really happy.
BUT!
The reason i had to go through this self mutilation that you call customer service is that i have been horribly traumatized by one of your flights from Toronto to Ottawa on May 26th, 2011. First of all, the flight had a 20 minute delay, which in today's day and age of ADD and high speed Internet is equivalent of missing a transatlantic boat back into 1912. This delay has caused me to relapse into my Angry Birds addiction and i was doing so well for the last 3 days. I will have to bring this up at my next ABAA meeting and yes, i will point fingers in your direction. (Just in case, i will point all 10 fingers, because i once heard that if you point 1 finger at something, 3 will point back at yourself and i think it is clear that i am a victim in this and not an aggressor).
So after waiting for 20 dreadful minutes i was finally allowed to stand in line to find my reserved spot in your flying carriage of death. Unfortunately for my highly developed sense of smell, ( 4.8 times as sensitive as the sense of smell of an Albatross,..google it) the gentlemen in front of me had used the extra 20 minutes granted by Westjet to build up an extra potent supply of body odor, and he was more than willing to share this with me.
After using all my willpower to not pass out, i finally made it to my "seat". These "seats" as you call it must have been designed somewhere duringe the middle ages, when the average height of a human being was about 5'3 (peasants, not nobility). Considering my near-fatal knee injury from last December, i choose an isle seat so it would leave me some extra leg space in the isle, but it would soon prove to be an unforgivable mistake on my behalf.
As the drunk pilot (this is an assumption,but i doubt a sober pilot would honk at other planes while mooning a competing airline) got me and the other victims, except for Body Odor guy, he deserves no justice, on the runway, the nightmare really started. After speeding up to what is most likely a traffic offense in most provinces, the engines roared and than turned silent again. Now, i have no deep understanding of Aviation, HOWEVER, i do believe that engines should not shut down during a take off. Of course, the pilot immediately downplayed this "incident" as a precaution and said there was a technical anomaly in the electrical circuit. This announcement was made as if anomalies are a frequent occurrence and we, the victims, should just find peace in this casually made remark.
At this point i would like to point out, that some of your clients (i.e. me) might have a problem with technical anomalies. The last time i was face-to-face with a technical anomaly was when i was fighting the Japanese on a spit of land in the Pacific. After a gruesome night of disfigurements and loss of limbs, i was finally in position to capture the flag of the enemy team, when a server message came up that the Playstation Network was shutting down to a technical anomaly in their software. This "technical anomaly" lasted for 23 days and deprived me of my one and only source of both entertainment and relaxation. This experience had me wounded on a deeply personal level and i do not take kindly to "technical anomalies" anymore.
SO, after waiting a full hour in a mucky, dark, hostile environment, the pilot almost literally said: "Well suckers, although our circuits are fried, we are just going to attempt to make it to Ottawa with some paperclips and a rubber band, we do this all the time, so don't worry" Then we immediately took off so the victims had no chance to escape from what seemed to be an inevitable death by crashing into a pit of Lava that would conveniently be there.
SO, after waiting a full hour in a mucky, dark, hostile environment, the pilot almost literally said: "Well suckers, although our circuits are fried, we are just going to attempt to make it to Ottawa with some paperclips and a rubber band, we do this all the time, so don't worry" Then we immediately took off so the victims had no chance to escape from what seemed to be an inevitable death by crashing into a pit of Lava that would conveniently be there.
During this flight, i also had to move my aforementioned gravely injured knee out of the way of the flight attendents battering beer ram, to avoid full scale amputation by brute force.
After my two hour delay, i came home to find my cat in a mummified state which clearly wouldn't have happened if i would have made it home in time.
(See attachment for 100% trustworthy proof of this)
 |
| Mittens did not want to play anymore |
As you can imagine, i am not amused.
-Dave Stevens
p.s.
Please don't send Bertha the Discouraging Bear Lady to my house, unless you are willing to pay for kung-fu lessons first.
No comments:
Post a Comment