How DJ TECH Roadkilled my Mittens

Good morning DJ TECH,

For the past week now we have been sharing a highway in Canada. You might have not noticed the fact that you are sharing this road with other people, because you drive like a douchebag. Not only is this highly annoying for everyone else on the road, it also eventually led to the demise of my poor little kitten, Mittens.

Here is what happened:



Sir Leaps-a-lot: Upgraded to Sniper



As a crocodile wrangler in Canada I have a lot of spare time, so I decided to pick up a second job to make some money on the side. With my broad range of skills and expertise, it didn’t take long before the Australian Government hired me to lead a secret program that they are piloting here in Canada for legal reasons.
Every day, I have to drive from my underground lair to a super-secret location that I cannot disclose to train Kangaroos how to wield and operate shotguns. We call them Death Leapers and they will eventually be a decisive factor in the War on Terror. However, this is a secret program, so I’ll have to send to send a Death Leaper your way to convince you to forget what you just read.

Now, ever since I invented the wheel, I’ve had a passion for driving. I liked the scenery, the sound road kills makes when I splash through a raccoons insides at 100 k/m an hour and sometimes I even listen to the radio.
However, since Ford (not Harrison) stole my invention and started to mass produce these “cars” of his, my pleasure in driving has been dwindling down significantly. Before this blatant intrusion on my patent, the roads were empty and I got to work relatively fast and I didn’t even had to invent the word “Traffic Jam” yet.
Fast forward 296 years and we have douchebags like you on the road. Instead of carelessly flattening squirrels and enjoying the wind in my hair, I have to actually pay attention to my surroundings and make sure my Davemobile doesn’t get butt raped by other cars who actually think that driving a $5 dollar footlong behind me qualifies as car bonding. It’s not,… it is the mechanical equivalent of sexual harassment. Now your Douchemobile seems to misinterpret the signals my Davemobile is giving out, or my rear bumper seems to have an undeniable attraction to your front bumper.   



DAVE SMASH!



Now let me tell you this Frank (let’s call you Frank) you are lucky I just completed my “How to deal with Anger and not send a Deathsquad of drunk Shadow Warriors to the people who piss you off” course.  Before this, you can bet your ass that every time your Douchemobile would be in arms lenght of my (Utterly Awesome) Davemobile, I would have opened a hatch of Angry Drunk Ninjas on you to peel off your eyebrows. However, every day we meet on the road, the words of my Anti Angry Sensei are getting foggier and foggier. I already had to upgrade my steering wheel from Granite to Adamantium because it kept crumbling up in my Rage fueled hands. Yesterday we met again and luckily enough, I was driving behind you at a distance dictated by the 3 second rule. This gave me the opportunity to observe your asshol’ish ways a little better because my eyes wouldn’t cloud up with Pure Anger this time. I noticed that it is not MY rear bumper that seems to attract your front, it is EVERYONE’S bumper.  Not only that, you seem to have taking pleasure into not breaking just the speed limit, but also the sound barrier when you try to pass someone on the shoulder.
When I saw you zipping in and out of traffic, dryhumping cars going slightly over the speed limit and cutting off at LEAST 3 little old ladies, you finally got out of sight. Although I hoped to pass you later on with your car flipped upside down and on fire, I wasn’t so lucky. I did pass you, but it was at a traffic light down the road.
Here I finally got to look upon the hideous face of the Douchebag driver that had been pissing me off for weeks.



Frank the Douchebag



Frank, you are not a pretty man.



I did stare a little bit, but that was merely so I could have my enslaved composite artist draw a picture so I could throw shurikens later that night towards a drawing of you.





When we drove off, I also got to take a good look at your license plate.
To my surprise your Douchemobile sports a vanity plate with DJ TECH written on it. Now, here is a free piece of advice. If you drive like a drunken maniac and you have a vanity plate with some shitty nickname on it, it will take a Bonafide Internet Savant like me about 1.9 seconds to find your ass on Google. You seem to be a “DJ” that basically plays shitty music at shitty parties and I would not be surprised if your day job is just as shitty.
Since you are obviously going nowhere in life, I do not see ANY reason why you would have to drive like you are some kind of important person.  Please stop for the sake of all that is slightly pleasant!
Although your annoying manners on the road are reason enough to Wake the Dragon, the real reason I send you this letter is because you are directly responsible for the death of my poor little kitten, Mittens.

Last frame of the security footage

During my research on your persona (don’t you just love Google) I came across a “Demo Track” that you uploaded somewhere on the Internet. I was hoping that MAYBE you would have some redeeming qualities as a human being, so I decided to play the audio file. Frank, the garbage that you call music was so horrible, that it literally shattered all the windows in my mansion. It takes no explanation that I use bullet proof black obsidian glass instead of your regular shitty glass, but the downside is that WHEN it shatters, the shards are sharper than Thor’s razorblade. Luckily for me I am nigh invincible, however, my poor Mittens got ripped to shreds.

If you would have been a decent driver, I would never have to research you and this would never have happened.

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

-          Dave Stevens

p.s.

Since I don’t own a shovel, I was unable to bury my mittens. I do however own a food processor so I turned her into a Mittens-Shake and froze it into little cubes. Next time you are “Deejaay’ing” in my vicinity, I will pelt you with little furry globs of Mitten-goo.

How a Rogue Floor Vent Slayed a Warrior Cat

Dear Manufacturer,

I am writing to you to formally submit a complaint about the hidden feature of you floor grates “The Kitten Slayer”. This feature came apparent to me when my normally indestructible cat, Ninja (XL) lost one of his precious lives when casually strolling over your product.

This is what happened:

Last year I decided my defenses against the Underworld Warriors were lacking. Although I have enough Dragon Blood in my veins to fight off the hordes of the Undead myself, even I need to sleep every now and then. It was quickly decided that I needed a nocturnal Demon Beast to take care of those precious hours where I was not at my most dangerous.

Underwater boobies: Not Aquadynamic

So I set forth and sailed the Seven Seas in search of a worthy Pet Demon Beast, having many adventures on my way. (In case you are wondering, yes Mermaids are real and no, they do not wear seashell bras…which is pretty awesome but not very aquadynamic).  After 49 years of traveling and tracking down legends of fierce Beasts, I found myself in 1889 B.C. Japan, in a village named “Awesometown”.  
While drinking copious amounts of Rice Wine with the local Warlords, I heard the story of a Legendary Shadow Warrior, feared and respected by all the village Elders. It’s nature was rumored to be so fierce that it had earned itself the name “ Mister McPurrs-a lot”. I was intrigued by his reputation so the next day I saddled my Fire Breathing Dragon and set out for its lair on top of Mountain Yudifosho. It took me about 15 minutes to get there and I found the hideous monster playing with a ball made out of live chickens wrapped around a core of aluminum foil.  This was surprising, because I hadn’t invented either chickens or aluminum foil yet. (You’re Welcome BTW). The beast growled at me when I approached his toy, so I gave it a stern look and placed the little fur ball in my super manly messenger bag and went home with my new found pet.

The vicious monster would henceforth be known as Ninja (XL)



Ninja (XL)'s Battle Armor



Unfortunately, when taken out of its natural habitat his power level went down significantly (Less than 9000) and for a moment I feared that I had overseen the true source of its power. However, it turned out he was just thirsty, so I gave him a shot of Gatorade in the face with my Supersoaker 15 Gazillion (Ultra-Turbo OMG Edition). This freshened him right up and he seemed ready for his first Zombie Massacre.

He soon proved to be worthy of his legends, because this Cat-like beast was fearless. Never in my years would I have thought I would encounter a creature that did not flee for a well-known Nemesis to all creatures “The Vacuum cleaner”, yet Ninja (XL) would face it without blinking. This kind of fearlessness actually had me worried for a moment that my new pet did not rely on auditory senses, but alas, he was just THAT badass.
It also turned out that I could enhance his fighting skills with the promise of Rice Pudding or Doritos (of any flavor). No army in the world could stop his rage when they got in between him and his pudding, nor should they, because he looks really funny with pudding all over his face.

For years Ninja (XL) and I fought side by side as brothers, with him guarding my back when I was asleep.
Nothing could touch us and we seemed undefeatable. Untill…I purchased a floor vent from your company for in my bedroom. I just repainted and the metallic golden would perfectly match and make the whole room FABULOUUUUUUUUUSSSSS!



Clearly your fault, yet i get to clean it



I placed my new vent in the designated hole in my hardwood floor. (Made from ancient trees of the Amazon, because who needs forests anyway). It fit and I was pleased.
I went into a slumber after a long day of fighting Zombie Robots and interior designing and about 20 minutes into a sweet dream about paper planes I woke up to a ruckus and cries of pain.
My highly intelligent Warrior Cat figured that your products were Certified and up to the latest revision of the Building code and deemed it safe to tread over the vent, getting one of his cute little toesies stuck in the grate.

His first reaction was to jump in the air with all 4’s stretched in the air, yanking the vent out of the floor and ripping his toe off in the process. Now, as it is scientifically proven, Warrior Demon Cats have their main artery in that toe, so you can imagine the bloodbath I woke up to. Besides the gushing river of blood coming from his paw, there were bloody kitten paw prints across the room, creating a slipping hazard and a very child unfriendly scenery. I managed to calm down my best Buddy (ever) by feeding him a alcohol laced horse and burning the wound close with The Fire of a 1000 Hells and a cotton ball. However, it was too late and one of his lives left his body leaving him twitching like Voldemort after Harry Potter destroys ones of his Horcruxes.

Now, I consider my Warrior Cat priceless, and your product just took away 1/9^th of his Pricelessness, leaving me with a slightly less priceless Warrior Cat, missing a toe. Now unless you can tell me how my cat is supposed to wield his Flaming Morningstar with just 4 toes, I expect some sort of compensation.
In this, I am not picky so I will accept one of the following compensations:

·         A fire breathing Robotic Bear

·         A poster of Wolverine

·         An apology written in Ninja (XL)’s native tongue

·         A  complete recall of your vents made out of Kitten Slaying Razorblades

·         A picture of your CEO looking really sorry

Of course, any combination of the above will make it even better.

I hope you will reply to me as soon as possible, considering I am again by myself fighting Demon Lords and Butt-Pixies.

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

-          Dave Stevens

9 Ways to Make The Best Out Of a Mummified Cat Situation!

YES! You might have read this post before, but you cannot prove it, because i deleted the old one.
However, this post has like, 9000% more awesome thanks to the art send to me by Twitterman @Disc10.

These AWESOME images of dead cats were provided by, Sam Porter, a fresh from college cartoonist. If you'd like to see more of his work, visit his website where you can find all sorts of things, including his (very short) series of videos "Adventures In Games... And Stuff! at http://maddoodles.herobo.com/

So enjoy the new and improved 9 Ways to Make The Best Out Of a Mummified Cat Situation!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes in life, a company pulls a stunt that will immediately kill your cat.
Usually this happens out of the blue and you come home unexpectedly to a crispy dried out Mittens. If you trace back your steps for a day or two, you can pretty much pinpoint who is to blame and write them a horrible horrible e-mail, but that won't bring your cat back to it's former fluffy state.


1. Use your cat to fight off Monsters.

A Mummified Cat can come in handy in the occasional (Or Annual, if you live in Quebec) Monster Invasion. Just remember the different kind of weaknesses Monsters have:

Vampires: Take a point end of your Mummy Cat and use it as a stake to stab it right through a Vampires heart. It might be hard to aim at first, but practice makes Purrrfect.
Another great use for a Mummy Cat against Vampires is to marinate it for a few days in a Garlic Oil and drape Mummy Cat around your neck for extra protection.

Zombies: Keep your Mummy Cat in the Freezer for a few days and  attach it to the end off a stick for a Cat Shaped Bludgeoning Weapon. Even the dimmest Zombie will think twice before taking a lunge at your brain.




Werewolves: Dip your Mummy Cat in liquid silver, let it dry and throw it at a werewolf.
Only 1 shot, but super effective.
If you do not have any Silver, you are pretty much done for, because Werewolves are immune to regular Mummy Kittens.

Ninjas: Throw Mummy Cat on the floor and run for your life, or you will be dead.


2. Use your cat to make Kids eat their Vegetables.

This day and age, kids seem to have no respect for their parents or authority anymore.
If you have a Mummified Cat, you can become a blessing for struggling parents by renting it out to couples (or single parents) with annoying kids.
Any kids will eat their Broccoli if the consequence of being bratty is that their goldfish is being switched with Mr Crispy the Mummy Cat.
You will soon be a Saint amongst parents and you can make decent beer money off of this.



3. Cat Jerky.

According to some prophets, the end of the world is nigh and you never know when your current luxurious life will be changed into the harsh life of a nomad at the drop off a hat. Having a Mummy Cat might give you the edge over your neighbour in survival, meaning you get to loot his shit when he dies before you do. A Mummy Cat will help you survive the worst of hungers by acting as a nice piece of Jerky that will get you through the winter.
Don't hold back and put that kitten in your favorite blend of spices today!




4. Water Retainer

A true Apocalypse Survivor knows that water is the main aspect of Wasteland survival.
If you are in possession of two Mummy Cats, the Apocalypse might just be your lucky day! You can carry One cat for Jerky and the other one as a water retainer.
At some point in your travels you will encounter a fresh source of water and this is where you can turn your Mummy Cat into a catshaped waterbag.
The dryer the Cat, the more water it will retain!
You will laugh at all the other suckers as you take a Catsip and take their belonging after they succumb to thirst!




5. Grow an Army of Mummy Cats.

Ever had a day where you just felt like you wanted to take over the world, but didn't have the resources? If you are the proud owner of a Mummy Cat, you can just plant it and grow a second one in a matter of years! Make sure the sand is dry and loose like the Deserts in Egypt. Don't feel discouraged by the long waiting time, your army will grow exponentially!




6. Juggle Act!

Unfortunately, you cannot juggle with just one Mummy Cat (if you don't want to be lame) so you have to get suckered at least three times before this becomes a viable option. If you already own a Mummy Cat, now is the best time to practice your juggling skills and wait for another douchebag to kill your new cat!



7. The Perfect Crime

They say that when you hit someone with a bag of oranges, your victim will not bruise.
However, people will still investigate your crime if your victim is believable enough and you don't have an Alibi.
Your Mummy Cat will keep you safe from any investigation!
You can pretty much hit the Chief of Police over the head with a Mummy Cat and no-one will believe him!
"Seriously, who gets hit over the head with a Mummy Cat, get outta here!"
Perfect Crime!



8. Three Words...

• Candy
• Stick
• Piñata!!!

9. Blog about it

Nevermind, i don't want to give up this gig.


-Dave Stevens

The "Your Product Killed My Cat" Themesong: CRISPY MITTENS!

Dear Readers,

I would like to share the following with you:

The first remix of the song - CRISPY MITTENS

As you can imagine, i hope you will be amused.

- Dave Stevens



p.s.

Awesome Artwork coming soon!

Twitter killed my #Mittens

In Soviet Twitter, Bird kills Cat

Dear Twitter support,

I have been a user of your service for a while now and I have to admit it has been a pretty wild ride.
However, what I never expected when I signed up was that the service you provide would ultimately mean the early demise of my poor little kitten, Mittens.

Here is what happened:

In December 2010 I was fighting a young girl to the death in front of a 20.000 people audience.
The guest of honor was Emperor Augustus himself, so we were told to make it a real show or else our entrails would be fed to a pack of hungry and slightly overweight Honey Badgers.
Since i am a highly trained assassin and overall fucking awesome, I didn’t worry about losing the fight itself, but the thought of being disemboweled because the show wasn’t fancy enough, was creeping around in the back of my mind during the entire fight.
So, after I had this 3 foot Lebanese schoolgirl in the ropes, I slightly let my guard down and she took full advantage of my lethal mistake.
With a High-Octane, Super Ultra, Possibly outlawed Scissor Ninja Kick, she took me down and a loud POP echoed through the Arena. I had no idea the ripping of a ligament was that acoustic but I can’t say I was enjoying the special sound effects, since I was too busy dying. Actually, I am pretty sure that move killed the next 57 reincarnations of myself as well.

This is pretty much what happened

Of course, I was up on my feet 20 seconds later as if nothing happened, and luckily for us, we got the thumbs-up from the Emperor and nobody had to die that day. Except for some starving Honey Badgers.

Since not having a functional ACL anymore is slightly inconvenient for an Olympic Athlete as myself I decided to get it fixed. However, ligaments in my size and awesomeness don’t come around easily so I had to pay off The Joker to go ahead and kill The Batman. Luckily for me, Batman is a donor and I wouldn’t settle for any other ligament than his.
Unfortunately, The Joker had to come up with some long winded elaborate plan, so it took about 6 months before I could actually get my surgery.
I had to spend these 6 months saving the world over and over again with a slight limp, which was not good for my reputations. I heard rumors that the “Intergalactic League of AWESOME Super Heroes” have a running joke now about me going limp in the heat of the moment.

So I had this surgery last month, which involved having to channel the power of the sun into a laser just to be able to breach my skin, but I will not bother you with other medical details.

When I woke up from my induced coma 14 years later, I was a little sore and decided to lay low on World Saving for a while. My ADD immediately kicked in and I was bored to tears within a few minutes.
That is when I fired up…The Internets.

I clicked around a little, found a few more security leaks in the Sony Network, debunked some Legends and send Chuck Norris a few dirty jokes by e-mail.

 
When I checked my watch I noticed that I’ve only been an Internet Hero for 5 minutes and it was starting to look like a very long day. Around this time President Obama send me an e-mail and asked if I could please follow him on Twitter. I never heard of this “Twitter” before, so I wrongfully assumed that he was talking about some Top Secret Government Program. However, a simple Google search lead me to your website.
It needs no explanation that I immediately became an expert on all that is Twitter so it didn’t take long before I came across the account of a young girl with 10 million followers. I saw that she was a Canadian Singer called Jessica Bieber or something and I vowed to myself that I would not be out-followed by some Nancy without boobs.

Boobless Nancy Bieber

 I demanded from the Internet to immediately start following my account @FelineMurder but I guess everyone in the world forgot to put their speakers on or something, because I got 0 followers in the following 15 seconds.

So, I had to come up with an Evil Scheme!
If I couldn’t make people follow ME, I could always follow THEM!
It was relatively easy, because all I had to do was locate the few people who weren’t following this Jessica Bieber chick. I clicked and I clicked and had all kinds of fun to see random thoughts popping up on my screen.
It felt like that time when Professor Xavier and me went into Cerebro with a bottle of rum and just put everyone’s thoughts on loudspeaker. Pretty hilarious!

After years of depression,  I finally felt happy again until of a sudden I got a pinkish bar on top of my screen saying.

Your account has been suspended.

My first thought was,…maybe there is such a thing as being too Awesome and Twitter is just trying to protect its users from Awesome Radiation.
But your e-mail explained to me, that I was being banned for Aggressive following.
According to you, following people on Twitter can be seen as disruptive behavior on Twitter.
Now, maybe it is because English is not my native language, so perhaps you can explain it to me in Kryptonian.
Your service allows people to follow other people and read what they write, however, if you are actually READING their stuff, there is a CHANCE that people get offended by this?
Because that makes no sense at all.
It would be the equivalent of a public speaker getting upset that people are coming to LISTEN to him.
(Assholes)

Now, I understand that maybe I shouldn’t have introduced myself in person to every single one of them,
(One can only jump out of a cake so many times before he gets diabetes) but I do think your banning protocol is borderline retarded and above all Lethal to felines.

Besides causing extreme boredom to a critically injured man like me, you also caused the Death of my poor little kitten, Mittens.
Mittens has a severe cause of attention disorder and I had to build a futuristic machine for her to be able to live.
This life support system was solely based on Twitter and it had been keeping her alive for weeks.
The basics of this brilliant invention was that every time someone would mention @Felinemurder on Twitter, Little Mittens would get a drop of pure liquid attention, a much needed fluid for her horrible horrible disorder.
Now, by banning me from your service, my machine malfunctioned and my poor little Mittens shriveled up like a raisin.

All Mittens needed was some attention...and salsa

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

        -  Dave Stevens

Call for Artists: Win Eternal Glory and Fame (and be Ninja Proof for 30 days)

Dear Readers,

Have you always wanted to draw a dead cat, but you were afraid your peers might frown upon you?
Well here is your chance!

I am offering Eternal Glory and Fame to the best Dead Cat Entry in the WORLD!
With over 15 bazillion readers a day, your artwork will exposed to readers from Canada to Malaysia and you will be discovered by all kinds of rich people who want nothing more than for you to draw them like one of those French girls!

You will of course receive full credit on the website AND i will use your drawing in my next complaint to the company that pisses me off!

You can send your entry to deadcatxl@gmail.com and you will have your place in the hall of fame in NO time!

I'll kick the contest off with my own entry...i know it's going to be hard to beat, but try it anyway!

Death by Arrows..Poor Mittens

As you can imagine, i will be amused,

- Dave Stevens

West Jet 2: West Jet Replies

After i send my complaint to West Jet last month (CLICK HERE), they actually send me a reply.
Of course, such effort deserves another e-mail.

From: West Jet

Dear Dave,
Thanks for taking the time to contact WestJet and I apologize that we’ve been unable to reply to you sooner.I’m sorry to hear that you had such a disappointing experience with us and I was looking to find more details about your flight but wasn’t able to find your booking.  If you can let me know your booking number, or your flight number, or about the time of day that you flew, that would be a huge help.   You can reply to me at AwesomeKatietheBest@westjet.com, and I promise that there will be no Bertha the Discouraging Bear Lady. All the best,

Katie
Guest Relations Specialist
WestJet
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: West Jet

Katie The Encouraging West Jet Minx

Dear Katie the Encouraging Guest Relations Specialist Lady,

Thank you so much for replying to my e-mail.
Don't worry about the time it took to reply, i am sure Bertha put up quite the fight before you were able to access a computer. Your Kung-Fu must be strong! I hope you didn't sustain any serious injuries in your quest for satisfying customer service and in the case that you are the owner of a cat, that the poor feline didn't die.
The reason why you couldn't find any information on my flight is possibly because i have multiple passports.
This is quite convenient if you work for MI:6. You never know if people get upset when you are trying to save the world, so it's safer for us secret agents to assume multiple personalities and identities.
Now, the profile we have on you Katie the Encouraging Guest Relations Specialist Lady raises a few red flags, so I'm not sure if i am comfortable enough giving you specific info.
Are you sure you are just a Westjet employee, or do you expect me to believe it is your twin sister who is currently on an assignment to topple the Lybian government?
I guess Westjet would be a convenient cover for a Government Spy since nobody second guesses a lot of traveling.

Dr. Ninja will cure you or Kill you

Either way, even if i was authorized to give out such sensitive information to a flagged person as yourself, the details of the whole endeavour are relatively vague.
This is most likely the result of the intensive therapy i have been going through the past few weeks.
Although i tried convential psychotherapy plus medication it quickly became appareant that it just wouldn't cut it.
So the next logical step would be to get myself a lobotomy. I don't know if you ever had a lobotomy before, but they are pretty expensive. Since i am 68% Scottish i didn't want to spend this money, so instead i went to a convention for "Neurologists who are also Ninjas".
I pretended to be a guest speaker so i could take the stage and when the applause died down, i told them that none of them would be skilled enough to hit my memory lobe from the distance they were sitting and that they should be ashamed to call themselves Neurologists who are also Ninjas. It took approximately 0.0074 seconds before the first Shuriken hit me in the brain wiping out most of my short term memory.
A weird side effect is that i have a constant craving for Cactus. The brain sure is weird.
Another pleasant side effect was that i completely forgot that i was addicted to Angry Birds so i got to enjoy the game all over again.

All this aside, it is most likely that i was not flying under this identity but one of my secret ones.
You might want to check your records for the following:

* Batman
* Bruce Wayne
* Superman
* Clark Kent
* Wolverine
* Captain Awesome McGreat

One of my secret identities

I am sure one of those names should be on your flight lists on May 26th 2011 from Toronto to Ottawa.
Please be aware that i didn't manually book this flight myself but that it was all done by a Sentient Artificial Intelligence Program designed by the CIA. Any correspondence information you might find will probably be of my office and they will deny my very existence or send you on a wild goose chase that might involve jumping from one moving vehicle onto another moving vehicle and numerous explosions. Therefore, it might be easier to contact me directly to resolve this issue.

Also, i would like to inform you off the following.
After i received your e-mail i was so happy and excited that i printed it out and wrapped poor Mummy Mittens in the paper. It didn't take long before she regrew her fur and within a few hours she was already running around the house again. Although this was great at first, in her revived state she also knocked over a precious Ming Vase that i personally stole from a high security exposition in Shanghai.

If you wouldn't have send me such a positive response, that would never have happened.

As you can imagine, i am not amused.

- Dave Stevens