How a Rogue Floor Vent Slayed a Warrior Cat

Dear Manufacturer,

I am writing to you to formally submit a complaint about the hidden feature of you floor grates “The Kitten Slayer”. This feature came apparent to me when my normally indestructible cat, Ninja (XL) lost one of his precious lives when casually strolling over your product.

This is what happened:

Last year I decided my defenses against the Underworld Warriors were lacking. Although I have enough Dragon Blood in my veins to fight off the hordes of the Undead myself, even I need to sleep every now and then. It was quickly decided that I needed a nocturnal Demon Beast to take care of those precious hours where I was not at my most dangerous.

Underwater boobies: Not Aquadynamic

So I set forth and sailed the Seven Seas in search of a worthy Pet Demon Beast, having many adventures on my way. (In case you are wondering, yes Mermaids are real and no, they do not wear seashell bras…which is pretty awesome but not very aquadynamic).  After 49 years of traveling and tracking down legends of fierce Beasts, I found myself in 1889 B.C. Japan, in a village named “Awesometown”.  
While drinking copious amounts of Rice Wine with the local Warlords, I heard the story of a Legendary Shadow Warrior, feared and respected by all the village Elders. It’s nature was rumored to be so fierce that it had earned itself the name “ Mister McPurrs-a lot”. I was intrigued by his reputation so the next day I saddled my Fire Breathing Dragon and set out for its lair on top of Mountain Yudifosho. It took me about 15 minutes to get there and I found the hideous monster playing with a ball made out of live chickens wrapped around a core of aluminum foil.  This was surprising, because I hadn’t invented either chickens or aluminum foil yet. (You’re Welcome BTW). The beast growled at me when I approached his toy, so I gave it a stern look and placed the little fur ball in my super manly messenger bag and went home with my new found pet.

The vicious monster would henceforth be known as Ninja (XL)



Ninja (XL)'s Battle Armor



Unfortunately, when taken out of its natural habitat his power level went down significantly (Less than 9000) and for a moment I feared that I had overseen the true source of its power. However, it turned out he was just thirsty, so I gave him a shot of Gatorade in the face with my Supersoaker 15 Gazillion (Ultra-Turbo OMG Edition). This freshened him right up and he seemed ready for his first Zombie Massacre.

He soon proved to be worthy of his legends, because this Cat-like beast was fearless. Never in my years would I have thought I would encounter a creature that did not flee for a well-known Nemesis to all creatures “The Vacuum cleaner”, yet Ninja (XL) would face it without blinking. This kind of fearlessness actually had me worried for a moment that my new pet did not rely on auditory senses, but alas, he was just THAT badass.
It also turned out that I could enhance his fighting skills with the promise of Rice Pudding or Doritos (of any flavor). No army in the world could stop his rage when they got in between him and his pudding, nor should they, because he looks really funny with pudding all over his face.

For years Ninja (XL) and I fought side by side as brothers, with him guarding my back when I was asleep.
Nothing could touch us and we seemed undefeatable. Untill…I purchased a floor vent from your company for in my bedroom. I just repainted and the metallic golden would perfectly match and make the whole room FABULOUUUUUUUUUSSSSS!



Clearly your fault, yet i get to clean it



I placed my new vent in the designated hole in my hardwood floor. (Made from ancient trees of the Amazon, because who needs forests anyway). It fit and I was pleased.
I went into a slumber after a long day of fighting Zombie Robots and interior designing and about 20 minutes into a sweet dream about paper planes I woke up to a ruckus and cries of pain.
My highly intelligent Warrior Cat figured that your products were Certified and up to the latest revision of the Building code and deemed it safe to tread over the vent, getting one of his cute little toesies stuck in the grate.

His first reaction was to jump in the air with all 4’s stretched in the air, yanking the vent out of the floor and ripping his toe off in the process. Now, as it is scientifically proven, Warrior Demon Cats have their main artery in that toe, so you can imagine the bloodbath I woke up to. Besides the gushing river of blood coming from his paw, there were bloody kitten paw prints across the room, creating a slipping hazard and a very child unfriendly scenery. I managed to calm down my best Buddy (ever) by feeding him a alcohol laced horse and burning the wound close with The Fire of a 1000 Hells and a cotton ball. However, it was too late and one of his lives left his body leaving him twitching like Voldemort after Harry Potter destroys ones of his Horcruxes.

Now, I consider my Warrior Cat priceless, and your product just took away 1/9^th of his Pricelessness, leaving me with a slightly less priceless Warrior Cat, missing a toe. Now unless you can tell me how my cat is supposed to wield his Flaming Morningstar with just 4 toes, I expect some sort of compensation.
In this, I am not picky so I will accept one of the following compensations:

·         A fire breathing Robotic Bear

·         A poster of Wolverine

·         An apology written in Ninja (XL)’s native tongue

·         A  complete recall of your vents made out of Kitten Slaying Razorblades

·         A picture of your CEO looking really sorry

Of course, any combination of the above will make it even better.

I hope you will reply to me as soon as possible, considering I am again by myself fighting Demon Lords and Butt-Pixies.

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

-          Dave Stevens