Xin Chao Mister Ambassador,
During the summer of 2008 I went on a one month exploration mission with my brother in South East Asia.
This trip was supposed to be both a bonding and an awesome life experience, but instead turned into a horrible near death experience traumatizing me for at least three reincarnations.
After 15 years of intensive psychology and shock therapy I have pinpointed the cause of this trauma to be the General area of Vietnam. Not only did the Vietnamese Tourism industry cause me mental disfigurement, they are also directly responsible for the Death of my cute little kitten, Mittens.
Here is what happened:
During the summer of 2008 I went on a one month exploration mission with my brother in South East Asia.
This trip was supposed to be both a bonding and an awesome life experience, but instead turned into a horrible near death experience traumatizing me for at least three reincarnations.
After 15 years of intensive psychology and shock therapy I have pinpointed the cause of this trauma to be the General area of Vietnam. Not only did the Vietnamese Tourism industry cause me mental disfigurement, they are also directly responsible for the Death of my cute little kitten, Mittens.
Here is what happened:
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| Ready to embark on a Bogus Journey |
After graduating from University in 2008, I held my brother to an ancient promise he once made me in a drunken stupor while calling me from a brothel in Thailand, that if I graduated from University, he would take me on a 1 month tour through Asia. Considering that I have never left my hometown of Batman my entire life, I thought that it would be an Excellent Adventure or the very least a Bogus Journey.
I sold all my camels and goats in order to pay for the ticket and I figured that was all I needed to make it through the month. I have had earlier successes of selling my body for cash and the Internet told me that there is always a niche market for male dwarf prostitutes around the world.
When summer finally arrived me and my brother took one of those flying devices going east to embark on this trip that would most likely make it into Batman history, or at least Madam Tzestsnikovich would brag about it during one of her knitting nights with the Belgium Mafia.
The trip itself was durable considering I wasn’t flying Westjet, with the exception that the only onboard entertainment was a Chinese movie about Malaria that was a constant reminder that I forgot to bring Malaria pills to a high risk environment. Fortunately my brother managed to reinsure me that our skin was nearly impenetrable for anything lesser than a direct hit from a German Panzer Tank shooting swords. I guess Awesomeness runs in the family after all.
When we finally landed in Bangkok we were barked at by customs which was highly entertaining because the Rottweiler in a suit was sitting under a big sign saying “Welcome to the land of Smiles”.
Perhaps you can use your political influences to change Thailand’s slogan to something more appropriate like: “Where getting a Sex-change is better for your whole family”.
I sold all my camels and goats in order to pay for the ticket and I figured that was all I needed to make it through the month. I have had earlier successes of selling my body for cash and the Internet told me that there is always a niche market for male dwarf prostitutes around the world.
When summer finally arrived me and my brother took one of those flying devices going east to embark on this trip that would most likely make it into Batman history, or at least Madam Tzestsnikovich would brag about it during one of her knitting nights with the Belgium Mafia.
The trip itself was durable considering I wasn’t flying Westjet, with the exception that the only onboard entertainment was a Chinese movie about Malaria that was a constant reminder that I forgot to bring Malaria pills to a high risk environment. Fortunately my brother managed to reinsure me that our skin was nearly impenetrable for anything lesser than a direct hit from a German Panzer Tank shooting swords. I guess Awesomeness runs in the family after all.
When we finally landed in Bangkok we were barked at by customs which was highly entertaining because the Rottweiler in a suit was sitting under a big sign saying “Welcome to the land of Smiles”.
Perhaps you can use your political influences to change Thailand’s slogan to something more appropriate like: “Where getting a Sex-change is better for your whole family”.
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| Welcome to the Land of Smiles |
Now, as a devout Christian, Bangkok was obviously not the place for me to be. One can only pray through so many Ping Pong shows before he realizes that the main act is beyond saving, so we decided to leave Thailand behind us and head for Laos. It turned out Laos was very resistant in our proposal to ban alcohol and general fun, especially in Vang Vien where the only (boring) entertainment is to go down the river in an Inner tube while drinking Lao Lao and taking a zipline into the Mhekong. Whoever does this for fun, will surely end up in purgatory (quite possibly before they die). These uncivilized savages also need to learn how to pour drinks in glasses, because I could only order my orange juice in a bucket, faintly smelling of gasoline.
Perhaps you can use your political influences to changes Laos’ slogan from “Jewelry of the Mhekong” to something more appropriate like “Drunk tourists are better targets”.
Perhaps you can use your political influences to changes Laos’ slogan from “Jewelry of the Mhekong” to something more appropriate like “Drunk tourists are better targets”.
When we finally found a way to escape from this land we made it to your country, Vietnam.
The flight to Hanoi was interesting because I never boarded a smoke filled cabin with 200 Asians thinking it was no big deal. In Hindsight it was probably some toxin that enlarges your liver, because I wouldn’t have any other explanation for that phenomenon. Walking out of the airport I was met with such a brutal honesty that was pretty refreshing. A big sign with two arrows saying “Left: Taxi’s – Right: People who pretend to be Taxi’s but they will actually just steal your stuff”. I would later learn that these signs should be posted all over Hanoi because once these scoundrels get into the open, it’s hard to tell the difference.
Taking a cab into downtown Hanoi, I quickly learned that the Crafty Vietnamese found a lucrative way to take advantage of the Lonely Planet. As soon as a hotel would get a good rating, 15 hotels in town would just rename their hotel to that name. Cab drivers are obviously in on this scheme and they just drop you off at the one furthest away from wherever you are going.
These two experiences were enough for me to redub Hanoi, to Hannoying and I quickly fled into my hotel room.
I am usually a big fan of local cuisine (Eating cockroaches in Laos was enervating), but when a street vendor tried charge me $40 for a pack of cashews I decided I could sit it out a few days without stimulating the entire economy on my dietary intake alone.
While in hiding, my brother and I planned a Pilgrimage to Sa Pa, a town in the northwest of Vietnam.
The friendly travel agent in the hotel said he could book this trip for us if we would just give him our passports and credit cards for a few hours. Although tempting, we decided to try our own luck and get the tickets from the train station ourselves. A short 4 hour cab ride eventually took us to the train station that was approximately 9 blocks away. During this ride, the cab driver repeatedly asked us if we wanted to go to “Boom Boom Hotel”. Now I don’t know how eager other tourists are to get themselves blown...up, but making fun of terrorism is frowned upon here in the West. At the train station we are introduced to the Vietnamese way of Customer Service.
Of course, being used to logic I wrongfully assumed that if you enter a room with other customers, it is a first come, first served basis. However, it turned out to be a “No more Vietnamese people to serve? *sigh* ok, I guess I’ll help the tourists then” based system.
We politely asked for two tickets to Sa Pa, which is a 10 hour ride from Hanoi. This would be an overnight ride so we asked for a sleeper cabin. According to the Service Rep, there were no sleeper cabins available at this time.
BUT, being the humanitarian that he was, he said he would try to still get us on the train and offered us two “Hard Seats”. Since we considered ourselves hardened travelers, we took the overcharged tickets and were happy that we would be able to make it out of Hannoying by night.
If in my lifetime a Time Machine is invented, I am willing to spend a fortune to use this machine, go back in time, and stab myself numerous times in the face to make sure I do not buy these tickets.
But considering no scars are appearing as I make this vow right now, it is safe to say that no machine will be invented in my lifetime, or I will not acquire a fortune. (Perhaps both)
The flight to Hanoi was interesting because I never boarded a smoke filled cabin with 200 Asians thinking it was no big deal. In Hindsight it was probably some toxin that enlarges your liver, because I wouldn’t have any other explanation for that phenomenon. Walking out of the airport I was met with such a brutal honesty that was pretty refreshing. A big sign with two arrows saying “Left: Taxi’s – Right: People who pretend to be Taxi’s but they will actually just steal your stuff”. I would later learn that these signs should be posted all over Hanoi because once these scoundrels get into the open, it’s hard to tell the difference.
Taking a cab into downtown Hanoi, I quickly learned that the Crafty Vietnamese found a lucrative way to take advantage of the Lonely Planet. As soon as a hotel would get a good rating, 15 hotels in town would just rename their hotel to that name. Cab drivers are obviously in on this scheme and they just drop you off at the one furthest away from wherever you are going.
These two experiences were enough for me to redub Hanoi, to Hannoying and I quickly fled into my hotel room.
I am usually a big fan of local cuisine (Eating cockroaches in Laos was enervating), but when a street vendor tried charge me $40 for a pack of cashews I decided I could sit it out a few days without stimulating the entire economy on my dietary intake alone.
While in hiding, my brother and I planned a Pilgrimage to Sa Pa, a town in the northwest of Vietnam.
The friendly travel agent in the hotel said he could book this trip for us if we would just give him our passports and credit cards for a few hours. Although tempting, we decided to try our own luck and get the tickets from the train station ourselves. A short 4 hour cab ride eventually took us to the train station that was approximately 9 blocks away. During this ride, the cab driver repeatedly asked us if we wanted to go to “Boom Boom Hotel”. Now I don’t know how eager other tourists are to get themselves blown...up, but making fun of terrorism is frowned upon here in the West. At the train station we are introduced to the Vietnamese way of Customer Service.
Of course, being used to logic I wrongfully assumed that if you enter a room with other customers, it is a first come, first served basis. However, it turned out to be a “No more Vietnamese people to serve? *sigh* ok, I guess I’ll help the tourists then” based system.
We politely asked for two tickets to Sa Pa, which is a 10 hour ride from Hanoi. This would be an overnight ride so we asked for a sleeper cabin. According to the Service Rep, there were no sleeper cabins available at this time.
BUT, being the humanitarian that he was, he said he would try to still get us on the train and offered us two “Hard Seats”. Since we considered ourselves hardened travelers, we took the overcharged tickets and were happy that we would be able to make it out of Hannoying by night.
If in my lifetime a Time Machine is invented, I am willing to spend a fortune to use this machine, go back in time, and stab myself numerous times in the face to make sure I do not buy these tickets.
But considering no scars are appearing as I make this vow right now, it is safe to say that no machine will be invented in my lifetime, or I will not acquire a fortune. (Perhaps both)
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| Hard Seats of Hell |
Now, the diplomat that you are Mister Ambassador, I am pretty sure you never had to take any Hard Seat in your life. But I can guarantee you, that these Hard Seats were most likely used in Medieval times to trial and execute Witches. If anyone could survive sitting in these seats for more than five minutes, they were surely a Witch and would be put to Death by making them sit there for 15 minutes.
Anyway, when we made it on the train and saw our seats, we were still unaware of the true nature of these Benches of Utter Agony and took place and rest our weary bodies. It took about .15 seconds for the discomfort to set in and we cursed ourselves that we didn’t bring any Morphine on this trip.
The biggest shock however was that we were supposed to share these benches with 4 other people.
This was the first time in my life I actually debated the cons and pros of famine with myself because it looked great in theory to be about one third of my size in order to fit on these seats.
Anyway, when we made it on the train and saw our seats, we were still unaware of the true nature of these Benches of Utter Agony and took place and rest our weary bodies. It took about .15 seconds for the discomfort to set in and we cursed ourselves that we didn’t bring any Morphine on this trip.
The biggest shock however was that we were supposed to share these benches with 4 other people.
This was the first time in my life I actually debated the cons and pros of famine with myself because it looked great in theory to be about one third of my size in order to fit on these seats.
When the train was filled with thousands of tiny people the train finally started moving and my brain went into survival mode. This is most likely the only reason I get to write this letter to you today, because 5 minutes into this trip I was desperate to take the broken fan above my seat and slice my aorta in several vital spots.
After getting sneezed upon by the passenger across of me (about 15 centimeters away) we decided to scout the rest of the train looking for a better spot to endure this trip. We made it into a so called “4th Class” cabin that was empty…as in, no seats, just an empty cabin.
After making a make-do seat out of our smelly backpacks, the giant man eating bugs came out. I’m not sure what kind of Genetic Engineering Facility is responsible for breeding these Monsters, but I am convinced that they were weaponized. They still haunt my dreams to this day.
Going down another class, we found ourselves in the cargo hold.
Sitting on the rice bags was actually more comfortable than our designated seats and we had a high five moment when we made ourselves comfortable again.
The doors of the cargo cabin were open, but that didn’t bother us at all, yet.
After about an hour or so, the train guards were ready with their duty of scaring tourists on the train and found us on “their turf”. They ignored us at first because they were too busy loading illegal passengers and prostitutes onto the moving train. The cargo cabin quickly filled up with Wanderers and Vagabonds and with them a plethora of unpleasant smells.
After making a make-do seat out of our smelly backpacks, the giant man eating bugs came out. I’m not sure what kind of Genetic Engineering Facility is responsible for breeding these Monsters, but I am convinced that they were weaponized. They still haunt my dreams to this day.
Going down another class, we found ourselves in the cargo hold.
Sitting on the rice bags was actually more comfortable than our designated seats and we had a high five moment when we made ourselves comfortable again.
The doors of the cargo cabin were open, but that didn’t bother us at all, yet.
After about an hour or so, the train guards were ready with their duty of scaring tourists on the train and found us on “their turf”. They ignored us at first because they were too busy loading illegal passengers and prostitutes onto the moving train. The cargo cabin quickly filled up with Wanderers and Vagabonds and with them a plethora of unpleasant smells.
This is where the guards were getting bored and decided to fuck with us a little.
The first contact they made stealing my Awesome Hat. Now, my Kung Fu is pretty strong, but I was sure that the rifle the guy was carrying could outpunch me, so I decided spare any innocent bystanders and let it go.
The next form of abuse I had to take was that one of the guards sat down next to me to “chat”.
The first contact they made stealing my Awesome Hat. Now, my Kung Fu is pretty strong, but I was sure that the rifle the guy was carrying could outpunch me, so I decided spare any innocent bystanders and let it go.
The next form of abuse I had to take was that one of the guards sat down next to me to “chat”.
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| You don't just steal my shit...usually |
By that I mean him saying shit in Vietnamese and then laugh with all the other people about what he just said, leaving me more than puzzled.
Now I am used to incoherent speech, so this didn’t bother me in the slightest, however, the guard sat down so close to me that I am still pregnant with his children.
Perhaps this is just misunderstood culture, but I would like to be have a few dates in before I get impregnated.
So, I Ninja’d back my hat and fled back to the Hard Seats where I found a nice piece of sharp metal to lobotomize myself with. This made the rest of the trip slightly more pleasant.
Now I am used to incoherent speech, so this didn’t bother me in the slightest, however, the guard sat down so close to me that I am still pregnant with his children.
Perhaps this is just misunderstood culture, but I would like to be have a few dates in before I get impregnated.
So, I Ninja’d back my hat and fled back to the Hard Seats where I found a nice piece of sharp metal to lobotomize myself with. This made the rest of the trip slightly more pleasant.
After three very nice days in Sa Pa, we decided to just buy enough tickets for an entire deluxe sleeper cabin so we wouldn’t have to share. We were told that we would receive the tickets at the train station, however, the courier used our money to buy 4 basic tickets instead and keep the rest of the money for himself.
Something we found out as soon as he drove off.
Three years later, my ass is still on a rock solid state from this trip. Last night after a long hard day of working I dropped on the couch only to hear the crunch of poor Mittens fragile little body under my now Granite butt.
If only i wasn’t a victim of the Vietnamese Tourism Industry, my ass would still be made out of Human and my poor Mittens would still be alive.
Something we found out as soon as he drove off.
Three years later, my ass is still on a rock solid state from this trip. Last night after a long hard day of working I dropped on the couch only to hear the crunch of poor Mittens fragile little body under my now Granite butt.
If only i wasn’t a victim of the Vietnamese Tourism Industry, my ass would still be made out of Human and my poor Mittens would still be alive.
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| Mittens now serves as a beer coaster |
As you can imagine, I am not amused.
- - Dave Stevens
Applaus. klapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklapklap. But i would do it again..... Sorry about the cat. Big B.
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