Dear Transat Air,
Last month I was a passenger of one of your flights, and the experience you have granted me has not only scarred me for life, it was indirectly the cause of the demise of my poor little kitten, Mittens.
Here is what happened.
Last month I was a passenger of one of your flights, and the experience you have granted me has not only scarred me for life, it was indirectly the cause of the demise of my poor little kitten, Mittens.
Here is what happened.
About a year ago, a Canadian Playboy-Model Billionaire Philanthropist
ordered me from a Dutch Groom magazine to become her lawful husband and on
August 28th 2012, she took me on a dreamy vacation through Europe.
The start of our trip would be in Italy, assuming that this would be an appropriate location to be all romantic and cute (but mostly, to flaunt our incredibly hot bodies).
Unfortunately, we have not mastered the skill of self-propelled human flight (yet) so we were somewhat reliant on an airline company called Transat Air to get us to our destination.
The horror of this flight began as soon as we lined up with 200 rowdy guitar wielding teenage hippies in order to check in for our flight. However, we repelled their hipster cynicism by being incredibly in love and sexy. As we finally made it to the check-in desk, we were met by the bastard child of Shrek and Gollum, who seemed to be completely unaffected by our radiant loveliness and sneeringly placed us in this shitty Transat plane, divided by a WHOLE aisle.
As our love has conquered distance before, we decided that we could easily deal with this set-back, and decided to valiantly sit apart for the next 8 hours. Of course, we would keep our minds occupied with a no doubt astonishing selection of beverages and inflight entertainment.
Little did we know, that the only complimentary drink on board was a shitty glass of apple juice, which was clearly intended to wash away the detrimental “main course” on board.
To add insult to injury, we were expected to PAY for our headphones and blanket, or choose to suffer the icy cold air that was blasting from the airco system.
The anarchists that we are, we refused to bow down to “The Man” and defiantly plugged in our OWN headsets in order to watch the sub-par selection of inflight entertainment, expecting to fall sound asleep until we would arrive on our destination.
The start of our trip would be in Italy, assuming that this would be an appropriate location to be all romantic and cute (but mostly, to flaunt our incredibly hot bodies).
Unfortunately, we have not mastered the skill of self-propelled human flight (yet) so we were somewhat reliant on an airline company called Transat Air to get us to our destination.
The horror of this flight began as soon as we lined up with 200 rowdy guitar wielding teenage hippies in order to check in for our flight. However, we repelled their hipster cynicism by being incredibly in love and sexy. As we finally made it to the check-in desk, we were met by the bastard child of Shrek and Gollum, who seemed to be completely unaffected by our radiant loveliness and sneeringly placed us in this shitty Transat plane, divided by a WHOLE aisle.
As our love has conquered distance before, we decided that we could easily deal with this set-back, and decided to valiantly sit apart for the next 8 hours. Of course, we would keep our minds occupied with a no doubt astonishing selection of beverages and inflight entertainment.
Little did we know, that the only complimentary drink on board was a shitty glass of apple juice, which was clearly intended to wash away the detrimental “main course” on board.
To add insult to injury, we were expected to PAY for our headphones and blanket, or choose to suffer the icy cold air that was blasting from the airco system.
The anarchists that we are, we refused to bow down to “The Man” and defiantly plugged in our OWN headsets in order to watch the sub-par selection of inflight entertainment, expecting to fall sound asleep until we would arrive on our destination.
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| "I will Murder you" |
We were wrong.
I (6’6 man of awesome) had the pleasure to be seated behind a 4 foot child who seemed to lack any form of social values. As soon as the “Fasten Seatbelt” light turned off, he threw back his seat with MACH 3 right into my kneecaps. Now, despite the injury I immediately sustained, I was fortunate that the little bastards seat did not “lock” in position. So by jamming my knees tightly into the seat in front of me, he was unable to keep his seat in the “I don’t give a single fuck about anyone else in this plane” position.
He assumed that his chair was somehow broken, so he tried 3-4 more times, slamming his seat into the front on my defiant knees each time. I enjoyed the sense of justified glee so much, that I gladly traded it for the ever enduring pain in my legs every time that asshole dropped his seat on me, just to give it another try.
I (6’6 man of awesome) had the pleasure to be seated behind a 4 foot child who seemed to lack any form of social values. As soon as the “Fasten Seatbelt” light turned off, he threw back his seat with MACH 3 right into my kneecaps. Now, despite the injury I immediately sustained, I was fortunate that the little bastards seat did not “lock” in position. So by jamming my knees tightly into the seat in front of me, he was unable to keep his seat in the “I don’t give a single fuck about anyone else in this plane” position.
He assumed that his chair was somehow broken, so he tried 3-4 more times, slamming his seat into the front on my defiant knees each time. I enjoyed the sense of justified glee so much, that I gladly traded it for the ever enduring pain in my legs every time that asshole dropped his seat on me, just to give it another try.
After a while he gave up and I mentally highfived myself.
However, a few minutes later, the brat tried again and caught me offguard. As he smashed his seat into my tender knees, I heard the chair lock into position and I knew he had won.
As my blood boiled, I witnessed my hands twirl the cord of my headset as if I had no control over them.
The mental image of whipping that cord over the chair in front of me and choking that little fucker out, was oddly satisfying.
However, a few minutes later, the brat tried again and caught me offguard. As he smashed his seat into my tender knees, I heard the chair lock into position and I knew he had won.
As my blood boiled, I witnessed my hands twirl the cord of my headset as if I had no control over them.
The mental image of whipping that cord over the chair in front of me and choking that little fucker out, was oddly satisfying.
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| Oh how sweet would it have been |
Luckily for me, “dinner” was soon after served, FORCING the
kid to put his chair upright again.
As soon as he did, I vowed to block this asshole for the rest of the flight no matter what the cost.
Alas, it seemed the kid was on to me.
As soon as he devoured his meal, he immediately slammed back his seat back.
I did not see this act of pure evil coming as I got clipped by my tray of food spilling my precious apple juice into my brownish goo called “beef”.
As soon as he did, I vowed to block this asshole for the rest of the flight no matter what the cost.
Alas, it seemed the kid was on to me.
As soon as he devoured his meal, he immediately slammed back his seat back.
I did not see this act of pure evil coming as I got clipped by my tray of food spilling my precious apple juice into my brownish goo called “beef”.
Despite being 12 years old, this kid was about to suffer my wrath.
After ignoring my subtle punch in the back of his headrest, I calmly tapped him on the shoulder to inform him of the awkward position I was currently in. Other passengers however, might have described this event as me smacking the kid in the back of the head asking him what the fuck he was doing.
After ignoring my subtle punch in the back of his headrest, I calmly tapped him on the shoulder to inform him of the awkward position I was currently in. Other passengers however, might have described this event as me smacking the kid in the back of the head asking him what the fuck he was doing.
Like a frightened rabbit, he put his chair back into a decent human being-position enabling me to barely survive the rest of the flight.
Luckily for me, you guys saved the BEST part of my
experience with you for the way BACK!
Although we had 2 weeks to recuperate from this horrible
horrible experience, we would soon be exposed again to your customer orientated
service on the flight back.
Apparently, you seem to put completely random boarding times
and gates on your tickets, so you can imagine our surprise as we arrived at our
gate 90 minutes early, that we found ourselves boarding for a flight to Cairo
instead.
After the ACTUAL boarding process, we found our seats next to a 1 year old toddler and a non-English speaking woman. No problem, because we were planning to once again enjoy your inflight entertainment system.
Which wasn’t there.
I guess you didn’t bother to equip your transatlantic flights with a personal entertainment system, but instead just taped a few old tube televisions to the ceiling playing an old shitty VHS version of Ms.Doubtfire.
Of course, we were supposed to pay again for a headset and blanket to protect us from the insanely cold air that was being blasted into our face again (Great selling technique).
After the ACTUAL boarding process, we found our seats next to a 1 year old toddler and a non-English speaking woman. No problem, because we were planning to once again enjoy your inflight entertainment system.
Which wasn’t there.
I guess you didn’t bother to equip your transatlantic flights with a personal entertainment system, but instead just taped a few old tube televisions to the ceiling playing an old shitty VHS version of Ms.Doubtfire.
Of course, we were supposed to pay again for a headset and blanket to protect us from the insanely cold air that was being blasted into our face again (Great selling technique).
Shortly after take-off, the guy in front of the mother with
the toddler, immediately slammed his seat back into the kids face, showing no
regards for the poor woman who now had no room to do anything at all.
I assumed he was related to shitty-recliner kid and I started hating the guy with my whole heart.
I should have probably left some room for additional hate, because after 5 minutes, the douchebag had the nerve to complain to one of your staff, that the toddler (folded up between the back of Douchy mc Douchebag’s chair and her mother) kept kicking his seat.
Instead of telling the guy to get a heart and be a human being, the stewardess
actually went and told the woman to keep her kid in check.
Struggling with this near impossible task, it didn’t take long before that heartless asshole turned to me and asked me if that child was my son.
He was VERY lucky, I have a limit of only punching 1 other passenger per holiday or I would have GLADLY decompressed his FACE!
I assumed he was related to shitty-recliner kid and I started hating the guy with my whole heart.
I should have probably left some room for additional hate, because after 5 minutes, the douchebag had the nerve to complain to one of your staff, that the toddler (folded up between the back of Douchy mc Douchebag’s chair and her mother) kept kicking his seat.
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| My face when.... |
Struggling with this near impossible task, it didn’t take long before that heartless asshole turned to me and asked me if that child was my son.
He was VERY lucky, I have a limit of only punching 1 other passenger per holiday or I would have GLADLY decompressed his FACE!
Humanitarians that we are, we changed seats with the poor
woman, so she could sit behind a little old lady, gave her our overpriced
blanket and took out our books.
However, the light wasn’t working…
At this point I just faded away into a fantasy of strangling the guy in front of me with the kid from the previous trip, but that could have been because of the Free Vodka the stewardess gave us for being so incredibly awesome. (So, props to your inflight personnel).
As soon as we made it back, I sat down in my comfortable chain at home trying to relax from this trip.
My cute little cat, who clearly missed me jumped into my lap for some cuddles.
However, I mistook that for another episode of Asshole-Recliners, flexed my legs, launching Mittens into my Industrial Grade Ceiling fan, turning her in Kitten Carpaccio.
Now, if you would have a better policy on asshole passengers, I would not have had this Post-Traumatic Reflex and my Mittens would still be alive!
However, the light wasn’t working…
At this point I just faded away into a fantasy of strangling the guy in front of me with the kid from the previous trip, but that could have been because of the Free Vodka the stewardess gave us for being so incredibly awesome. (So, props to your inflight personnel).
As soon as we made it back, I sat down in my comfortable chain at home trying to relax from this trip.
My cute little cat, who clearly missed me jumped into my lap for some cuddles.
However, I mistook that for another episode of Asshole-Recliners, flexed my legs, launching Mittens into my Industrial Grade Ceiling fan, turning her in Kitten Carpaccio.
 |
| Poor (Delicious) Mittens... |
Now, if you would have a better policy on asshole passengers, I would not have had this Post-Traumatic Reflex and my Mittens would still be alive!
As you can imagine, I am not amused.
- - Dave Stevens
