9 Ways to Make The Best Out Of a Mummified Cat Situation!

YES! You might have read this post before, but you cannot prove it, because i deleted the old one.
However, this post has like, 9000% more awesome thanks to the art send to me by Twitterman @Disc10.

These AWESOME images of dead cats were provided by, Sam Porter, a fresh from college cartoonist. If you'd like to see more of his work, visit his website where you can find all sorts of things, including his (very short) series of videos "Adventures In Games... And Stuff! at http://maddoodles.herobo.com/

So enjoy the new and improved 9 Ways to Make The Best Out Of a Mummified Cat Situation!
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Sometimes in life, a company pulls a stunt that will immediately kill your cat.
Usually this happens out of the blue and you come home unexpectedly to a crispy dried out Mittens. If you trace back your steps for a day or two, you can pretty much pinpoint who is to blame and write them a horrible horrible e-mail, but that won't bring your cat back to it's former fluffy state.


1. Use your cat to fight off Monsters.

A Mummified Cat can come in handy in the occasional (Or Annual, if you live in Quebec) Monster Invasion. Just remember the different kind of weaknesses Monsters have:

Vampires: Take a point end of your Mummy Cat and use it as a stake to stab it right through a Vampires heart. It might be hard to aim at first, but practice makes Purrrfect.
Another great use for a Mummy Cat against Vampires is to marinate it for a few days in a Garlic Oil and drape Mummy Cat around your neck for extra protection.

Zombies: Keep your Mummy Cat in the Freezer for a few days and  attach it to the end off a stick for a Cat Shaped Bludgeoning Weapon. Even the dimmest Zombie will think twice before taking a lunge at your brain.




Werewolves: Dip your Mummy Cat in liquid silver, let it dry and throw it at a werewolf.
Only 1 shot, but super effective.
If you do not have any Silver, you are pretty much done for, because Werewolves are immune to regular Mummy Kittens.

Ninjas: Throw Mummy Cat on the floor and run for your life, or you will be dead.


2. Use your cat to make Kids eat their Vegetables.

This day and age, kids seem to have no respect for their parents or authority anymore.
If you have a Mummified Cat, you can become a blessing for struggling parents by renting it out to couples (or single parents) with annoying kids.
Any kids will eat their Broccoli if the consequence of being bratty is that their goldfish is being switched with Mr Crispy the Mummy Cat.
You will soon be a Saint amongst parents and you can make decent beer money off of this.



3. Cat Jerky.

According to some prophets, the end of the world is nigh and you never know when your current luxurious life will be changed into the harsh life of a nomad at the drop off a hat. Having a Mummy Cat might give you the edge over your neighbour in survival, meaning you get to loot his shit when he dies before you do. A Mummy Cat will help you survive the worst of hungers by acting as a nice piece of Jerky that will get you through the winter.
Don't hold back and put that kitten in your favorite blend of spices today!




4. Water Retainer

A true Apocalypse Survivor knows that water is the main aspect of Wasteland survival.
If you are in possession of two Mummy Cats, the Apocalypse might just be your lucky day! You can carry One cat for Jerky and the other one as a water retainer.
At some point in your travels you will encounter a fresh source of water and this is where you can turn your Mummy Cat into a catshaped waterbag.
The dryer the Cat, the more water it will retain!
You will laugh at all the other suckers as you take a Catsip and take their belonging after they succumb to thirst!




5. Grow an Army of Mummy Cats.

Ever had a day where you just felt like you wanted to take over the world, but didn't have the resources? If you are the proud owner of a Mummy Cat, you can just plant it and grow a second one in a matter of years! Make sure the sand is dry and loose like the Deserts in Egypt. Don't feel discouraged by the long waiting time, your army will grow exponentially!




6. Juggle Act!

Unfortunately, you cannot juggle with just one Mummy Cat (if you don't want to be lame) so you have to get suckered at least three times before this becomes a viable option. If you already own a Mummy Cat, now is the best time to practice your juggling skills and wait for another douchebag to kill your new cat!



7. The Perfect Crime

They say that when you hit someone with a bag of oranges, your victim will not bruise.
However, people will still investigate your crime if your victim is believable enough and you don't have an Alibi.
Your Mummy Cat will keep you safe from any investigation!
You can pretty much hit the Chief of Police over the head with a Mummy Cat and no-one will believe him!
"Seriously, who gets hit over the head with a Mummy Cat, get outta here!"
Perfect Crime!



8. Three Words...

• Candy
• Stick
• Piñata!!!

9. Blog about it

Nevermind, i don't want to give up this gig.


-Dave Stevens

The "Your Product Killed My Cat" Themesong: CRISPY MITTENS!

Dear Readers,

I would like to share the following with you:

The first remix of the song - CRISPY MITTENS

As you can imagine, i hope you will be amused.

- Dave Stevens



p.s.

Awesome Artwork coming soon!

Twitter killed my #Mittens

In Soviet Twitter, Bird kills Cat

Dear Twitter support,

I have been a user of your service for a while now and I have to admit it has been a pretty wild ride.
However, what I never expected when I signed up was that the service you provide would ultimately mean the early demise of my poor little kitten, Mittens.

Here is what happened:

In December 2010 I was fighting a young girl to the death in front of a 20.000 people audience.
The guest of honor was Emperor Augustus himself, so we were told to make it a real show or else our entrails would be fed to a pack of hungry and slightly overweight Honey Badgers.
Since i am a highly trained assassin and overall fucking awesome, I didn’t worry about losing the fight itself, but the thought of being disemboweled because the show wasn’t fancy enough, was creeping around in the back of my mind during the entire fight.
So, after I had this 3 foot Lebanese schoolgirl in the ropes, I slightly let my guard down and she took full advantage of my lethal mistake.
With a High-Octane, Super Ultra, Possibly outlawed Scissor Ninja Kick, she took me down and a loud POP echoed through the Arena. I had no idea the ripping of a ligament was that acoustic but I can’t say I was enjoying the special sound effects, since I was too busy dying. Actually, I am pretty sure that move killed the next 57 reincarnations of myself as well.

This is pretty much what happened

Of course, I was up on my feet 20 seconds later as if nothing happened, and luckily for us, we got the thumbs-up from the Emperor and nobody had to die that day. Except for some starving Honey Badgers.

Since not having a functional ACL anymore is slightly inconvenient for an Olympic Athlete as myself I decided to get it fixed. However, ligaments in my size and awesomeness don’t come around easily so I had to pay off The Joker to go ahead and kill The Batman. Luckily for me, Batman is a donor and I wouldn’t settle for any other ligament than his.
Unfortunately, The Joker had to come up with some long winded elaborate plan, so it took about 6 months before I could actually get my surgery.
I had to spend these 6 months saving the world over and over again with a slight limp, which was not good for my reputations. I heard rumors that the “Intergalactic League of AWESOME Super Heroes” have a running joke now about me going limp in the heat of the moment.

So I had this surgery last month, which involved having to channel the power of the sun into a laser just to be able to breach my skin, but I will not bother you with other medical details.

When I woke up from my induced coma 14 years later, I was a little sore and decided to lay low on World Saving for a while. My ADD immediately kicked in and I was bored to tears within a few minutes.
That is when I fired up…The Internets.

I clicked around a little, found a few more security leaks in the Sony Network, debunked some Legends and send Chuck Norris a few dirty jokes by e-mail.

 
When I checked my watch I noticed that I’ve only been an Internet Hero for 5 minutes and it was starting to look like a very long day. Around this time President Obama send me an e-mail and asked if I could please follow him on Twitter. I never heard of this “Twitter” before, so I wrongfully assumed that he was talking about some Top Secret Government Program. However, a simple Google search lead me to your website.
It needs no explanation that I immediately became an expert on all that is Twitter so it didn’t take long before I came across the account of a young girl with 10 million followers. I saw that she was a Canadian Singer called Jessica Bieber or something and I vowed to myself that I would not be out-followed by some Nancy without boobs.

Boobless Nancy Bieber

 I demanded from the Internet to immediately start following my account @FelineMurder but I guess everyone in the world forgot to put their speakers on or something, because I got 0 followers in the following 15 seconds.

So, I had to come up with an Evil Scheme!
If I couldn’t make people follow ME, I could always follow THEM!
It was relatively easy, because all I had to do was locate the few people who weren’t following this Jessica Bieber chick. I clicked and I clicked and had all kinds of fun to see random thoughts popping up on my screen.
It felt like that time when Professor Xavier and me went into Cerebro with a bottle of rum and just put everyone’s thoughts on loudspeaker. Pretty hilarious!

After years of depression,  I finally felt happy again until of a sudden I got a pinkish bar on top of my screen saying.

Your account has been suspended.

My first thought was,…maybe there is such a thing as being too Awesome and Twitter is just trying to protect its users from Awesome Radiation.
But your e-mail explained to me, that I was being banned for Aggressive following.
According to you, following people on Twitter can be seen as disruptive behavior on Twitter.
Now, maybe it is because English is not my native language, so perhaps you can explain it to me in Kryptonian.
Your service allows people to follow other people and read what they write, however, if you are actually READING their stuff, there is a CHANCE that people get offended by this?
Because that makes no sense at all.
It would be the equivalent of a public speaker getting upset that people are coming to LISTEN to him.
(Assholes)

Now, I understand that maybe I shouldn’t have introduced myself in person to every single one of them,
(One can only jump out of a cake so many times before he gets diabetes) but I do think your banning protocol is borderline retarded and above all Lethal to felines.

Besides causing extreme boredom to a critically injured man like me, you also caused the Death of my poor little kitten, Mittens.
Mittens has a severe cause of attention disorder and I had to build a futuristic machine for her to be able to live.
This life support system was solely based on Twitter and it had been keeping her alive for weeks.
The basics of this brilliant invention was that every time someone would mention @Felinemurder on Twitter, Little Mittens would get a drop of pure liquid attention, a much needed fluid for her horrible horrible disorder.
Now, by banning me from your service, my machine malfunctioned and my poor little Mittens shriveled up like a raisin.

All Mittens needed was some attention...and salsa

As you can imagine, I am not amused.

        -  Dave Stevens